So, I know it's been an incredibly long time since I've written here...but I remember it being therapeutic, and I think that I need that right now. So I'm going for it.
I found out back in January that A was engaged. At the time, it didn't really bother me. I remember thinking it was pretty weird (to think of how far both of us had moved on) but that was about it.
Fast forward 8 months. My mom brings up the fact that she wants to re-do the kitchen. I mention that A's family used to have that remodeling business...and that they probably still do. She asked if I could get in touch with him via facebook. I said no, we weren't facebook friends anymore. She said she would look up the business herself, no big deal. Well, I decided to text him. I guess my curiosity got the best of me. He said that he would have no problem doing it but that the "wife to be" might not like it so much. That phrase was somehow painful. They made it real I guess, and it broke my heart. I obsessed and became depressed over the thought of the whole situation. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and the thought of him getting married made me want to throw up and/or start bawling at the same time. I realize that this is/was ridiculous. I realize that what happened between us was 5 years ago, and after that still 3 and a half years ago. I drove myself crazy over it.
We kept texting. He finally came out and said that we probably shouldn't be talking. He felt bad about it and she wouldn't appreciate it. He was sorry. I said I understood, and that I wished we could've kept it touch all this time, I wished we could've been friends, but oh well. (Maybe that would have made the blow a little softer?) And then the texting continued. "Oh well?" He asked. "Yes oh well", I said..."there's not really much we can do about it now." He asked if I was seeing someone, I said yes. He asked if I was wanting to "sneak around." I said no. Wtf? He said he was joking. It continued. I asked him questions about the past, I thought maybe I needed some kind of closure...about why it didn't work out the second time around. It was his choice to end it, and I just let it go without a second thought. I was still mulling over the one before him and I just couldn't get over it. But why didn't HE want it? It just didn't make sense. He said that he thought maybe he just lost those feelings for me. I wasn't buying it. It didn't make sense to not want to be friends if there weren't any feelings. What would you have to lose? "Well, I was still worried about the physical attraction. That was always there." I think he was lying. I think I hurt him the first time, and the second time around, when I told him that I couldn't go right back into loving him, it scared him. And he realized that he couldn't let me hurt him again. So he left.
Fast forward 3 weeks from the first text. On and off texting had continued. He wanted to know what this was about. He thought I wanted a fling. That that was what I needed for closure. That wasn't what it was about. The feelings were still there and I couldn't get rid of them. I wanted so much more than a fling. It hurt so badly to know that he would be taken forever. I couldn't stand it. I had to tell him how I felt. But I didn't. I chickened out. Instead, I joked, "Do you think there's any way I could convince you not to get married?" "Ha, for what?" he asked. I told him that I had been thinking about what all of this was about and that I had come up with some interesting conclusions. I needed to know what he thought. He said that he didn't have any doubts about getting married, and that the only questions he ever had about me were sexual. I guess because it never happened. I still didn't really believe his answer, but I had to take it for what it was. Because that was all I had to go on. With all of this talk about flings and sneaking around, I decided maybe that was what he really wanted. And I wasn't going to give it to him, but maybe I could use it to my advantage. If I could get him to agree to meet me, then I would get to see him. We would talk. Then I would either realize A) He's not who he used to be, and I'm not who I used to be, and all of these feelings are just one big delusion or B) All of this is real and I'm going to have to do something about it. Either way, I figured my chances of anything would be greater in person. So, I told him that I decided that was partially my deal too I guess (the sexual stuff) and that it was partially more than that but that I knew that was unrealistic. He was silent. He said "hmm." He avoided me for days. Finally I demanded some kind of conclusion. He said "Look, here's the deal I guess...A real man would never cheat on the woman he loves. So, knowing that nothing will ever happen between us, I think we should stop talking. It will just cause trouble. I hope you understand." I told him that I did understand and that I actually agreed. I know that's so not me and that's so not the you I used to know. I told him I hope he has a nice life, and that I meant it.
It was hard. I didn't mean it. I want him to regret, to feel regret like I do over what happened between us. I want him to come to his senses and mull over what if. What if we could've had something great? Been something great? What if we were meant to be and we were both just good at fucking it up at different times? What if we were missing out?
But he doesn't regret. And if he does, then he's very good at convincing himself that he doesn't. And $30,000 later, 2 weeks away from walking down the aisle, I can imagine that it's pretty hard to let yourself regret. I would guess that you kind of have to dig your heels in and not let up. But it's still hard...for me anyway...