Wonderin, what in the world did I do?
Can't say no to Patsy.
I have this problem lately. I feel like I've put all my eggs in one basket. Well really two baskets I guess you could say. Basket #1 = my education, basket #2 = the boyfriend. And it really worries me. Not that I've tried too terribly hard to make outstanding grades (well, up until last semester) but realizing that my degree is basically pointless without even further education is scary. What happens if I don't get into grad school? What happens if I don't get what I want? Where will I go from there? All I've known my whole life is school and learning and grades and studying. What if that doesn't work out? That means that the last (will be) 4 years of my life were a waste. It's scary to think. And I don't like it. And a PhD takes a damn long time...so if I'm going to do it then I want to get it over with rather than piddling away and applying again the next year. I don't have time for that shit.
Then relationships. Why do I do this to myself? I have these great expectations for the way things should go and when I don't see them going that way, it worries me. I feel so stupid for putting so much emphasis on it, but I think it's kind of natural for girls. I wish it wasn't. I wish I was scared. I wish I could run and hide and say I'm not ready and push people away a little longer. Instead I fall openly, and quickly, and then I wonder what the hell I've gotten myself into. He says he's scared. Scared of living with another girl...he's already lived with 2 girlfriends and obviously that didn't go so well. He says he'd rather have more of a commitment, an engagement perhaps, to fall back on, more of a permanency about it. Because he just doesn't want to go through another breakup/move out. Well that's all fine and dandy except that in a little over a year I'm going to be getting ready to move. And hopefully far. And I want him to come with me...or so I keep telling myself. And we'd be perfect roommates. I mean, we basically have been in the summer and winters when I'm home. But then I have to stop myself. Why should I want to live with a man I'm not sure I'll ever want to marry? Well really, it's not that I don't think I'll want to marry him but...I'm just not sure that I can. We're too much alike. I'm afraid I'll get bored. I can see us down the road...married, 2 kids, great careers, and me longing for an affair. That's not the kind of fucking picture you're supposed to paint. And that worries me. My worrying worries me. I want to want him, I really do. Is there such a thing as being too perfect for someone? If so, I think we might be that. And it worries me.
So now I'm wanting to take the eggs out of the baskets and throw them all over the fucking wall, and let them splatter. Because really, I don't know what to do with them. And I know I don't have to decide right now...I know that I can wait...but how long SHOULD I wait? You can't let these things go on for forever. And before long they're going to have to be refrigerated or else they'll just go bad.