So, I've been doing better. Before I threw down my semi-feelings to A, I prepared myself for the worst. I tried to get over it. I started eating again, and somewhat sleeping again, but I still thought about the whole situation a lot.
I think the hardest part is not knowing what could have been. I think that's actually the only reason that I'm having problems with any of this. I don't feel like we let things run their course. We didn't end on a bad note. Neither of us hated each other. Neither of us had good reasons for ending it. I was young, and dumb, and wanted to explore. It's hard to imagine settling down at 18, you know. A lot of people do it I'm sure, but I wanted to know what else was out there. I felt smothered. He was the jealous type and I was tired of dealing with it. But I know we've both grown up now, and this delusional part of me imagines him as perfect now. He must have grown out of the overprotective jealous boyfriend stage. Or at least my delusion lets me hope so. But even knowing that I did what I felt was right at the time, I still can't help but regret. I basically ended up leaving him for an asshole. An asshole who I thought at the time was great, but who turned out to only hurt me. A lot. Karma, I guess. And then I regret that I didn't try harder the second time. That I scared him off (or at least I think I did). But I was too heartbroken to worry about it much. And it's hard to be with someone when they are part of the reason that your ex broke up with you in the first place. He thought I still had feelings for A. I guess it turns out that he was right, but at the time...I just couldn't let him be right. Because I loved HIM too much.
So here I sit. In reality. Realizing that I made my bed, so now I have to lay in it. I CHOSE the life I'm in. And I love J, I really do. But I guess maybe you just never get over your first love until they hurt you, and he never did.
I still wish he would wake up, and realize that he's making a mistake...but I don't think he will. And now I sit here regretting that I didn't go all out in telling him how I felt. I don't think he'll respond to my texts at this point, because he's trying to be strong and prepare for his quickly impending future, so there's not much more that I can do. But maybe I should have been more straightforward. "Leave her for me, you won't regret it." I'm not sure. Part of me thinks that it still wouldn't make a difference, because he's so far removed. He's moved on so far that he's decided to share his life with someone else. And no matter how I feel, or how he used to feel, I don't think I can change that. And that sucks.