ok so it's been say...2 years since i've written in this thing? that's a pretty damn long time. i was looking back on my older entries and realizing how bitter i sounded. and man, was i bitter. i can't really blame myself though. i guess the more knowledgable i become about life and/or the world the less bitter i get? ha probably not...but maybe.
so i'm sitting in my room, contemplating...random thoughts/the usual and i remembered that i used to write in this thing. somewhat secretive stuff, too. ok not really secretive, more like rants. but anyway, i realized that i left my journal back at c.s. and figured i would give this a try. i kind of feel like carrie on sex and the city with my laptop and my random thoughts. too bad i'm not getting paid for mine though. oh well. maybe they'll be of some use to myself anyway.
sooo here it goes, random thought of the day/night/morning (damn it's late/early): where does this urge of women wanting to start families early in life come from? ok, so, this is random obviosly...but i'm totally going to devulge my thoughts. tonight i'm picking up the ramen cups that my boyfriend and i had snacked on earlier in the night, and my cup, and taking them to the kitchen (while waiting for his lazy butt to wake up and take me home) and when i get into the kitchen this thought consumes my mind: i wouldn't mind doing this every night. ok, so maybe not EVERY night. don't get me wrong, cleaning is definitely not my forte. and also don't get me wrong because i am definitely not wanting to start a family, this was just where that broader thought came from. anyway, i just started thinking of how much i like spending time with him, and how badly it sucks when i'm away at school, and how much i actually think i'd enjoy living with him. wow, yep i said it. LIVING with him. that's pretty big. i mean, i guess i've sort of thought about things like that with other people, but it's just different. i mean, a large percentage of my mind is really sure that it would work. it's just kind of scary i guess. and weird. but good i think. anyway, the more in-depth i got with this thought, the more i realized how often i've actually thought about us moving in together and then i started wondering...where do these thoughts come from? i mean, so many people my age are getting engaged lately and even more i'm sure are cohabiting (my sociologist word) and it just makes me wonder...what gives us the idea to want to make these kinds of commitments so early in life? is it that the idea that women and men need to pair up and make successful families in order to be successful is engrained into our heads from day 1? are we afraid that once we finish school and get to a more "appropriate" marrying, or settling, or even just cohabiting age that the one who we want to do all of those things with will already be taken? are we more lonely than the other generations? or do we just become more easily attached? are we desperate for companionship or do we just know what we want (and are much less afraid to say it than the generations before us)? it has to be some combination of atleast some of those. i think that alot of people are just really sure about what they have...at a young age. and maybe that's not so good. can you really tell me that you know what you want for the rest of your life at 18, 19, even 22? who knows. maybe i'm wrong and they'll all live happily ever after. all i know for sure is how i feel...and my heart feels something that my head just says is illogical at the moment.
it's an interesting topic to me i guess. i mean i, of all people, would be the last one to be wanting to get married or seriously committed this early in my life. i know that i can't be susie homemaker and balance my grades at the same time for one thing, and for another i know that i'm just not ready for that yet. psychologically mostly (the getting married part anyway). if that makes any sense. but it doesn't make the fact that i want to spend every last ounce of time that i have with him less obvious. because it is. in all honesty, there's nothing i'd rather do. but for the moment i'm stuck with school. and a school that i don't even really like, at that. mmm i'll get into that on another entry though.
i guess i should get to bed. this entry probably would've been a lot better if it wasn't 6 in the morning. hah i'll try to write more at a more decent hour.