So do you hit that point of breakdown? That emotional moment when you just realize that you can't do it by yourself anymore? Well, I had one of those today.
I've been reading this book...Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, and it's really good. It's gotten me to do alot of thinking I guess. It's weird to me how people can so easily fall in and out of religion. Or maybe it's just me who falls in and out of religion...but either way I find it strange. I used to be so into it. So into this idea of God, of Jesus, of Heaven, of right and wrong, of how I thought I should live my life. Now it's like I don't even know anymore. I'm not sure what happened. I know there have been phases. I've never been a super-hero type Christian or anything, but I've definitely had my phases. And it's not like when I'm out of those phases that I turn into this terrible, awful person. ...I started listing all the ways that I'm not a terrible, awful person but then I realized that that was dumb because I don't think that just because people do those things that I don't do that they're necessarily bad people. I guess it's just that when I look at my self with God and then without God, not that much about me seems too much different. And that's definitely not how I think it should be. You're supposed to be changed, right? Reborn, so they say. So if that's the case then looking back at the times in my life when I was really into my faith, they should seem entirely different. Alot of things were different the more I think about it, but most of my actions were unchanged. Maybe that's the whole problem.
So anyway, I had this moment today when I was taking a shower. I wasn't in a great emotional state to begin with...my boyfriend who had come to visit for the weekend had just left after a whooole lot of discussion about him staying until tomorrow (he made an obligation to a friend who he hadn't seen in a long time...so he ended up going). I was really upset. I mean REALLY upset. And I don't know why. I don't know how the hell I became so dependent on this one person. I'm not usually like this. I mean, if I do become dependent it's never been this bad. I knew that I would get to see him in 6 more days, yet it hurt to let him go, to see him leave. Maybe because last week 5 days seemed like an eternity. It's kind of weird how slowly time actually seemed to be passing by. It was awful. How I let things get like this...I have no clue. It wasn't like this last semester, but this semester the distance is killing me...slowly. Probably because I don't have as much to keep me busy, mostly just not having a job. I actually have time to stop, to breathe, to do some things that I want to do, to think; and because of all this, plus an increase in feelings for each other, has made it alot worse.
Ok, so back to my original point (finally). I had decided to take a shower, just to kind of relax and to get my mind off of things. I still had that little pain at the back of my throat. You know, the one where you've been containing crying and it just hurts so bad. Even though I hadn't contained my crying, I had tried really hard and still kept alot of it in...and I knew the rest would come out once I had 2 seconds alone. (I live in a dorm with a roommate and community bathrooms...the shower is really the only alone time that I get.) So I cried for awhile, and got myself clean, and that's when it hit me...it's way too hard. Too hard to deal with all of this on my own, to hard to know that answers to everything, too hard to not have someone to love me that much for weeks at a time. So I realized...maybe God is what I need. I still consider myself a Christian, and have for a long time...but my dedication isn't exactly what I'd call dedicated. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe though. I don't feel it. I know that I used to but it's like it just faded away and I can't get back to it. I can't get back to that feeling of wanting to pray everyday or of thinking that the first thing I should do when I have a problem is turn to God. So I'm working on it. I know that I can't "do" life alone and I know that there has to be something greater than me there to lead the way. The question now is how do I get there? How do you get back to the root of your faith when you've been gone for so long...and what do you use as inspiration? So far, the book that I'm reading is helping. Relating God to everyday things. Hopefully in time I'll be there, fully there, and until then I'm pretty sure He'll be there to push me along. Guess I'll find out...
Longest entry ever. That has to be some kind of record. K, maybe not but it still feels good to get things out.
-ooh you know