I have so many thoughts running through my mind I don't know where to start. I mean really. I have no idea what to write about. Ok, well I'll start with this:
"One minute everything is perfect and it seems like it might really be ok and the next minute you�re left alone with nothing. Your head hurts, your eyes burn and your chest is on fire, so what do you do? I remembered that the big things rarely blindside you from out of nowhere. They start out small like things that don't seem to matter and then suddenly it's just.. disaster. Then you find yourself looking back and wondering how you could have been so stupid, how you could have been so careless. The thing is, you aren't careless with the big things but it's the small stuff that kills you in the end. Sitting in that hospital I started to think about what kills me the most and it's that I'll never get to say some of the things I wanted to say to him. He doesn�t know how much I love him. He doesn�t know that I would do anything for him. He doesn�t know that I would give anything I have left in this life just to have him here with me; to have him hold me while I sleep, to have the opportunity to make him happy again or to feel the closeness we used to share. He doesn�t know that the way he is so physically and emotionally detached is literally killing me. He doesn�t know that I would sell my soul just to hear him tell me that I�m beautiful again, to hear him tell me that he loves the way it feels inside of me or for him to tell me that he can�t imagine a life without me and he knows that I�m the one he wants forever. He doesn�t know that he is still the most beautiful person in the world to me. He doesn�t know because I didn�t have the courage to say any of it. I�m starting to wonder if it would�ve made a difference. I feel like I was robbed out of that moment where I would've been able to take some steps back and do it a different way. Instead the door slammed in my face and instead of turning around and walking away, I had to follow him. It didn�t have to be like this. This didn�t have to happen."
- poision.iv.-.diaryland.com
When I read that it made me cry. Just a little bit. And that's the weird thing. Sometimes I have days where I feel like that. Like everything was my fault. How could I let it slip away like that? Without a second glance? Without a second thought? Until it was too late, anyway. And then sometimes I have days where it was all his fault. How could he have done this to me? How is he still not speaking to me? But mostly, HOW in the fucking WORLD can he be ok with all of this? Just be living life like everything is normal, like he never fell in love with me, like he never told me he couldn't imagine his life without me, like he never thanked God that he had found me. When he did. All of those things DID happen. I'm not just some psychotic crazy woman who goes insane over some guy who never even felt anything for her. I'm psychotic over some guy who loved me and left me. Like a used paper towel, or an empty coke can, or yesterday's news. And how does that happen? I mean, I guess I'm bound to go a little crazy after all of this. I'm not exactly used to people just shoving me out of their lives (although, there does seem to be a continuing trend as of late). Especially not people who I'm supposed to mean the world to. So, that's the problem. I can't distinguish who was wrong anymore. Or was either one of us really even wrong? Were we both wrong? It was all of those little things. He took advantage of me and I called him out on it, then I took advantage of him and he left me. And none of it seems fair because I was doing all of the big things right. And in my mind everything looked good. I was eloquent, I was family-function worthy, I was funny at the right moments, I was there when I needed to be, but somehow all of those little things and all of those little times that really mattered just disappeared. Ceased to exist. And I want them back. And I still have days where I replay them in my head constantly. And then I can go weeks at a time where I convince myself that I'm better off, and that I don't need him as a friend, because after all what kind of REAL friend does this to you?
So. I think that overall he's been selfish. And the only logical thing that I can come up with that allows me to forgive him is that this is the way that it was easiest for him. And although it wasn't easiest for me, I have somehow managed to "decrease the value of the relationship," as we discussed today in my gender class, and now I'm ready to forgive him. The only problem is that he's not coming to beg for my forgiveness, and to grovel at my feet, and to convince me that our friendship will be worth more than anything in the world to him. And you know why? Because he's afraid. He's afraid that if he so much as takes two steps towards College Station, or three towards my house, that I might try to get him back, and that maybe, just maybe, I would succeed. And that's just fucking cocky. And untrue. Because it would take a hell of alot for me to trust him again, even as a friend. So, he's just going to keep on living his life, this one that he thinks he's got all figured out, until one day I'll show up and stand in his way and force him to see what he's missing. And to show him that I'm the bigger person because I, unlike him, am willing to admit that I miss him in my life, and that I want to trust him again, and that I want to play Gunbound with him again, and laugh at his dorky pathetic attempts for jokes, and go to lunch with him, and be able to text him about the crazy girl telling her life story to me on the bus, or about my amazing chicken parmesan so that he can be jealous. I'm willing to forgive and forget, or atleast forgive, and I know it will be hard but I think it would be worth it. So in the end am I really the bigger person or the more dependent person? Because after all, the power of A over B equals the dependence of B on A. You can't have dependence and power, it's just not logical. But I definitely want the power.