so...i've slowly undone, ok i wouldn't go so far as to say undone, but i've slowly decreased my amount of anger per day. the amount of sadness per day is, however, on an even slower decline. the good news is that i'm finally beginning to see the positives. i'm finally realizing how to make time for myself and the things that i want to do and to shape myself into what will hopefully eventually be a better person.
you never caused me to want to better myself. i think i always felt as though i was just right and that was good at some points but very not good at others. in some ways you even made we want to be a lesser person. you made me want things that i now know i don't need and once you gave me what i wanted you instantly took it away, increasing my want for it and in turn making me feel like i wasn't good enough. i know that i was at fault too. i'm not saying that i didn't make idiotic decisions and that i didn't base my decisions off of false hopes but you definitely played a big part in encouraging those decisions. afterall, no matter how much we might not want to believe it, we're all a product of our greatest influence.
but if i could take it all back i definitely wouldn't. something about those memories just make me want to fall back in love with you all over again. but i've finally realized that i can't allow for that to happen. i don't want us to be us until you've become who you're supposed to be and i've become who i'm supposed to be. and as cheesy and cliche as that sounds i honestly think we're meant to be together as much better people than we were.
as an extremely intelligent man once told me,
What you think about is what you care about and what you care about is what you will chase.