on guard

my own destructive appetite

10.04.18 at 2:54 pm

i haven't written here in a long time. i actually forgot it existed. i'm glad that it still does.

i watched a series of films. before sunrise, before sunset, before midnight.

he said the last one was the best one, but the last one just made me feel sad. i was sad because the suggestion was that passionate love never lives forever. long-term love is a choice. you have to be determined and decisive about it. he said he thought it was romantic. that two people who had no real reason to stay together would choose each other again, in an instant, as spontaneously as they chose to be together in the first place. but i was sad. because sometimes it's hard to choose that. can't we just have one thing in this life that's easy? why do we have to choose love? can't it just choose us?

i don't know. you'd think that after almost 12 years you would just know. but all of a sudden i don't know. to be fair, i don't know about anything in my life right now. and maybe i did just let it choose me. and maybe that's why i'm feeling this way now.

so here i sit. waiting for another message. like some pathetic pre-teen. and i know it's not good. or healthy. or fair. but here i sit.

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