i've been trying to take in every little moment, just in case.
the way my feet feel walking across the cold tile of our kitchen floor
the darkness of our home
the way you look at me, like the harder you stare into my eyes, the less likely it is that i'll fade away
the smoothness of the back of your hand
the smell of your beard
the way i have to stretch onto my tiptoes to reach my lips to yours
it was a strange weekend with stranger conversations. i admitted that i've felt restless, and that i don't want to be in this town anymore. you kept asking me if we're ok and i kept saying yes. because what else is there to say? but you feel it. you feel that something is off.
you feel that something is off so you've started trying harder. pulling me in closer. loving me deeper. like trying to ignite a flame in a candle with no wick.
you touch me more gently. you come up from behind me and kiss my neck. once, you placed your palm on my cheek, and i remember thinking that i couldn't remember the last time that you had done that.
we laid there in the darkness last night, intertwined, and you said, "are you laying awake thinking?" yes. why? i can feel it. you can feel me thinking? yeah, i just knew it somehow. what are you thinking about? so i lied, and said i was thinking about all that i had to do. the silly minutiae of domestic life. you laughed, but i'm not sure if you believed me.
i watched our wedding video this morning and i cried. i cried because it was beautiful and i cried because i didn't know what i was doing. and i cried because nothing makes sense anymore. but most of all, i cried because i feel ungrateful for everything that you've given me. for this life we've made together.