I don't know what to write, only that I want to. I guess, maybe, that I had a good day yesterday? I had a good day, a genuinely good day, for the first time in a long time. It wasn't for any specific reason, I just kind of felt peaceful. And I could sit on the bus and think, and for once I didn't feel alone. I just felt kind of there, and as though I should be happy for that. These kinds of moments are rare for me. So, I guess that's noteworthy.
Tonight I finally realized that the reason I could be feeling better with myself lately is because I've given up. I've let go of this inner struggle between wanting so badly to hate you, but still really doing nothing but loving you through re-played memories. I've finally put to rest the idea of hating you, because no matter how hard I try I just can't. I think of that smile and I just can't. And it's too tiring and too depressing to hate you, even if I can come up with a million and one reasons why it's completely justifiable. I did things wrong, you did things wrong, and that's that. So now I'm going to hope for happiness for you. I know you said that you were, but I really didn't believe you. I still don't. "How can happiness exist without me?" is what I thought. But I know that it can, to an extent. You can have happiness with yourself, happiness with your choices and your actions, happiness with your productivity, and happiness with your idea of your future. And I do hope all of these things for you. If nothing else so that one day, when we meet again, we'll be better people for each other, better influences, even just better friends.